All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
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Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees