Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.

Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.

DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!

ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?

“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?

It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time

1.

Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane

me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house

drug dealer: who are you talking to

me: [lowering my voice] he knows

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.

pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail

Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream

How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?

Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.

Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.

I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.

The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.

They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”

*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.

*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.

The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.

Brain: That cookie is hot.
Me: Like lava hot.
Brain: Let it cool down.
Me: Agreed.
Brain: But… it’s right there… and you’re an adult who makes poor decisions.
Me: Also true.