All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
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The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
BRO LMFAO
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.