All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
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My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”