All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
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So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Thank heavens for community notes
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.