All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
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What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?