Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do

prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo

Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.

Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.

Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?

Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)

Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

👀

Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican

The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃

Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.

I just want the sandwich he’s eating.

waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined

me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money

My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”

god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again

This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee

OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl

When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days

me trying to get a bartender’s attention

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.

Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.

him: I got a new tattoo

me: what is it

him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work

me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt

him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat

and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad

Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics