Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.

Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”

Shit.

This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.

Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?

Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.

If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no

The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:

Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.

Me: OMG what happened?!

I love this❤️😁👍

okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw

Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!

Shoulder angel:

Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!

What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.

What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”

I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog

The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.

*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you

People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!

I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out

I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.

Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!

The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.

you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.