All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
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Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Man I wish I would have thought of “knuckle sandwiches” when everyone was asking what I was bringing ro thanksgiving. It’s too late now 😔
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
{ texting judge get out of jury duty } My chupacabra just died :/ {remembering that i got their number illegally } I guessed your number
*in court
😔: your honor, this is fat shaming, everyone knows you have to be naked to get your most accurate weight!
😡: You were using the scale at the grocery store!