All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
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I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
But wait…
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
british sex workers really pound for pound
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.