Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes

Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job

Them: I’ll be right back

Me: That’s not necessary

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.

A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself

Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?

I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me

The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.

Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*

Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”

Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan

Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me

Interviewer: a job-related weakness…

I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”

Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.

Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.

Me: you feel like doing something?

Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill

Me: maybe after the killing then

Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”

CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.