All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
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I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado
me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend
husband:
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”