Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist

When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”

Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment

I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.

Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob

Thursday

just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real

Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday

soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.

At a fried chicken place, looks delicious

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.

[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao

English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words

If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future

Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”

*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*

Me: “Excellent.”

The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?

You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!

Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary

Cop on other side: what is he doing

ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what

Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…