All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
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Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her