Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

“What that moth do?”

– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode

MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”

*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.

Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]

I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.

{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.

The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

hamburger doesn’t need your help.

the #horror is real!

Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:

Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.

I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.

Judge: Call your next witness

Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips

Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in

The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses