All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
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I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge