All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
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According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
all bases covered
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
i hate you platonically
sometimes we need to be reminded
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT