All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
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Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.