All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
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Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.