Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me (smirking as i pick a card): what next

magician: now you close your eyes

me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever

magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention

[my friends all applaud]

Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah

Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful

Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?

Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?

Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.⁣

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!

animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?

peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.

peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?

peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha

peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7

They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles

The Ninja Turtles corner him

Mario jumps on them all

[self checkout]

daaaaang i look good

Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store

florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter

R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live

CDC: Exactly

R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before

CDC: Uh, okay?

R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work

CDC: NO

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old

I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.

So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?

Man goes to a Doctor.

“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”

“Does it burn?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”

ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high

CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk

ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af

CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!

Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart

Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.

What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later