Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.

My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.

Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

[Bear attack]

Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.

Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!

10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here

Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.

If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.

—cats in Christmas trees

My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.

Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem

I get a cool lever

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”

“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.

ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.

WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?

ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.

HER: Get out.

Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭

Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!

ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy

Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.

This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.

Sir, this is a crime scene.

Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?

“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”

Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans

okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw