All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
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ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
honestly, i need both:
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
A family that plays together cheats.
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.