All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
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Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.