Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting

me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now

Me: What do you want for Christmas?

Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.

Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever

[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU

Auto correct is my worst enema.

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.

I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete

Interior design 👌

1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”

Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”

Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”

tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”

CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.

What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone

Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?

Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge

Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss

Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.

[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no

ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work

WIFE: Why

ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom

WIFE: so kill it

ME:[whispering] its got my gun

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck

When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!