All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children
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Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.