All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children
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{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.