All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
You Might Also Like
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
the rocks need my help
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
