All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
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Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
new record!
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.