All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
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[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I believe the plural is “milves.”
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat