All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
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Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
What kind of a cult is this?
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.