Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia

Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.

Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb

Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer

For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.

Hyena: what’s my name again?

God: hyena.

Hyena: hi.

God: hi.

Hyena: i’m Ena : )

God: that-that’s not your name.

Hyena: oh. what is it?

God: hyena.

Hyena:

God:

Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”

no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I

Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”

I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car

It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.

Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*

Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.

Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower

Guy: But-

Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave

Guy: *Drives away*

Woverine: Oh no you didnt!

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much

Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’

Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’

I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work

“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”

“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.

As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled

I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.