Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere

{bedazzling my new tee shirt}

DO NOT RESUSCITATE

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

Mean Girls if they were all 12th century blacksmiths.

The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

The Purge: Valentine’s Day

A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”

saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes

My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.

If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.

[pet store]

Me: your parrot called me a cracker.

Manager: maybe he was asking..

[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

sumtimes i go 2 hard tho

Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up

Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.

The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.

BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.

Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.

I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.

As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”

If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.

Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?

Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?

Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?

Me: yes.

Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.