All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
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he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
look scared
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here