All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
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I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
i want enemies
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Always 🥴
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.