All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
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Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
*uses Ouija board*
ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it