Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.

Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.

[receives death threat]

please stop flirting with me

crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it

Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.

so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior

I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.

Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.

Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that

the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates

👀

To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:

Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.

Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”