Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.

[camping]

Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so

Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats

Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries

Me: Even if I-

Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat

Me: *purrs*

Her: Still no

[Italian restaurant]

LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”

TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”

They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times

Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

You didn’t say anything.

Yes, you’re welcome.

Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS

I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.

remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.

If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.

Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…

Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”

[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.

A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?