“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement
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Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
*Likes every cat post that comes across my feed
Me: MY GOD why am I only seeing posts about cats
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
*my dog starts barking when suddenly 20 other neighborhood dogs start barking back at him. i just laugh & point at him*
haha, you’re getting ratioed!
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?