“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement
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Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
I basically called this earlier today
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.