“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement
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[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.