Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is enough internet for the day.

It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.

Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

Not helping

Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.

Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?

Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”

Me: I’ll cook

Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?

Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion

Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.

MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

💯😂

You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.

A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”

“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.

Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.

Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”

~ now I’m scared

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…

Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵

From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵

Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!

Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.

When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”