Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7-year-old: How late can I stay up?

Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.

7: I’m going to bed now.

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*

DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?

ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there

*first date*

Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*

“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart

Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news

Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*

Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.

My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.

The 70’s called. They built a time phone.

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

wife: tell me her name

*slap*

wife: TELL ME HER NAME

*slap slap*

wife: and where did you get a seal anyway

well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me

God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.

My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”

To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.

[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.

Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN

time machine? you mean a clock?

I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

If you’re having a bad day , just remember …

All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .