All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
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When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day