All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
You Might Also Like
jesus christ confetti not now
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
There is no try. There is only give up.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.