All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
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I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
The options really are this bad
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants