“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
You Might Also Like
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game