“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
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You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password