all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
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Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I only treason on days ending in y
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.
If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither