all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
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The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL