Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m eating for two now.

Him: Oh, are you pregnant?

Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?

Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.

Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”

Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.

9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?

Me: Sure.

9: Can I spend two nights?

Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

[texting]

me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it

“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”

German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”

[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way

Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess

How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches

God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference

Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?

Me: just my cat

*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*

Mom: why are you using drugs???

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.

She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here

She does not

The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.

Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.

How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop

The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”

an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin

Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.

Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.