All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
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<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Gemma Correll
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.