“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
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ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.