“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
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If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft