Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores

Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?

*Laughs in 2020*

Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?

General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.

But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant

I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself

“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”

-corduroys

I grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…

[when someone likes me]

*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me

My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.

Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?

Sauer crowd.

My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.

Ladies, why y’all do this?

Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.

They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.

Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.

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anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.

I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.

I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead

Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.

The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.

ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)

364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.

1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.

Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly

That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.

I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”

She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome