All your better biblical epics have one thing in common: no skimping on the camel budget.
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Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself