All your better biblical epics have one thing in common: no skimping on the camel budget.
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Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
The best shot in the history of golf