All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
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It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Respect
