All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
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Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Happy Thanksgiving
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Generation gap…
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
idk what he going thru but i feel him
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.