All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
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My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
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4.
5.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines