All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
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Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
She might be a genius
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
oh she’s cooked
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
