All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
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Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”