All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
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I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
🤝
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.