Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”

Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”

Cop: …

It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.

I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater

Noah was an idiot.

David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!

Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.

“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar

My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.

Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’

Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’

Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful

Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”

Photobombing Giraffe 😅

I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.

Going feral. Y’all need anything?

recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro

cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow

A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀

Gotta love the Dead Kennedys

“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”

My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands

She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP

Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”

“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.

This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead