Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.

Dog: No, I’m mad at you.

If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.

I know this now.

No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.

‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’

~cats

accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times

Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti

Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that

CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home

Friend: I grew as a person

Me: Did you molt?

Friend: What?

Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?

Friend:

Me: Can I see it?

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”

Manager: Great! What will it do?

Developer: The opposite of that.

NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

The Purge: Valentine’s Day

Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily

Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women

I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*

Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.

Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?

12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.

Someone likes to live life dangerously.

Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.

I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.