Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra

Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me

Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!

Me: No guts, no glory.

Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.

paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael

ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted

Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong

HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug

ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ

date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve

Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me

Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles

“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”

– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day

*me

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom

HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?

WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.

I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.

Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.

[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.

I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time