alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
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[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Don’t forget to tip your server
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
water it, i dare you
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap