Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.

There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone

“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.

The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history

I started dating a lumberjack.

He’s a handsome feller.

Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.

[30 seconds later]

NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.

if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free

Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”

If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

Home is where your toilet is.

[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….

me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going

Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.

The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper

In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous

When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.

If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks