Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
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Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
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I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
this is the best day of my life
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.