Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
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[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Seems kinda suspicious
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of