Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”

Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?

there are some wounds only potatoes can heal

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

Man: You’re killing me

Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material

everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*

-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused

I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.

“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?

Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…

Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…

me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?

8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?

me:

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?

Wife:

Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want

one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME

Walking by the lingerie section

Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.

Me: Uh huh.

*tries CBD oil for the first time*

“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”

“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”

“So you’re saying there’s a chance”

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

Y’all wanna hear something funny?

Lol me too