Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
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A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
We will use anything but the metric system
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Always the vampires
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving