Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
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My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
i dont have time for this
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.