Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
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Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.